nowhere

*notification*

this blog will not be updated by the owner until she feels she wants to.

need to accomplish some very important things for her life.

splendid week indeed

nothing that i will write in this will really express all that i want to say.
anyway, everything's has all over for the time being.
i'm ready to get focus again and finish my thesis.
kisses to everybody.

even more late post.

i know i'm a little bit behind.

but its because i'm so buzy sitting day dreaming and thinking...

hehehehe.>>>:)

this is what i got from my friend comeks on valentine's night....

isnt it a sweetheart? i just love it.

its been three days with me but still she got no name.

some of my friends suggested a few, but i dont think it suits her.

i'm calling this cute lil thing a she because its a rats momma.

and the stomach looks like a pregnant rat (i knew it because i used to socialize with rats and its family, hehehe. been nursing a rat mom delivering her baby too, by accident)

and just look at the butt, its just simply a beautiful rounded buttock.

hahahaha, i'm having naughty thoughts again.

but anyway, tis her pics. i am right, am i?

p/s: am i such a pervert thinking of rat's buttock?

a quick post.

i had a great advanced early valentine's with Chris.

having dinner at Shangri-La's Peppino,

walking by the beach,

kissing under the full moon,

how i wish it'll lasts forever,

love him so much.

me and my traps ruiner

i intend to post this entry as soon as i got back from klias, but then i can't, was so buzy and many other reasons.
this little pig-tailed baby was accidentally captured in one of my traps. they sometimes visited my transects and ate all the baits -which is bananas and oil palm fruits-
it simply happens, that maybe this particular one is not very expert at removing baits. so he was trapped with one of his leg badly broken, stuck on the traps door for overnight. and it was raining heavily.

i found him on the next morning on my morning checks. and took him back and look after his injured legs, even gave him more bananas.

unconsciously, i fell for the little monkey, have this kind of inexplicable fondness for him.

and on the second day, he looked well enough, being playful despite his injury.

the next morning, he was gone. -died-

i am so sad it really took me awhile to be able to post this and look at his pics again.

so, klias again??????

hmmm....
nothing much to say.
i'll be away for two weeks.
i'm gonna miss blogging and the internet.
most of all i'm going to miss si nakal.........

stupid entry.

the previous entry was stupid.

but really, i can't take it back.

hehehe

the worst day.

this is the worst day of my life.

full of betrayals, deceits, intricate lies, envies, hatred, fake smiles, false friendships......

what a boring day.

urrgghhhh.....
what a boring day today.
i don't know how i can get thru it until this moment without throwing up.
sometimes boredom does makes me throw up.
earlier in the morn, my aircond need fixing again.
came henry ask me to do something for him.
lunch time, we go to Inanam Bestmart.
awful food.
Back to the institute again, doing Henry's work.
to the lab to check some needed specimens.
chatting with 2 friends from the jungle.
aircond okay again, freezing cold.
eating chocolates and drinking hot chocolate.
typing this entry.
those are almost my routines everyday when i'm here at the institute.
i'm dead bored!!!!!
waaa........
i need to go somewhere... but i dont know.......
i'm really sick of it n i'm crying now...
somebody, make me happy............
not just anybody, but somebody.

magical view from the institute.

repent.

its too soon for me to post a new entry.
but that is not the case,
here i only want to say,
that the lady lecturer has said sorry in a more delicate ways (at least i think she has).
well, i know there are anonymous readers that read my blog.
for those who i have sinned, forgive me for what i have done, what i do and what i'll be doing in the future.
i can't help myself.

another silly anecdotes that really means nothing

well,
its time for me to create a new post again.
its been quite a while.
nothing much happened today.
earlier, i got an sms from i dont know whom telling me that there'll be hi-tea at 10.30am.
its the text warning that wakes me. i woke up cheerfully thinking that we'll get an unusual hi tea time.
hmm.... can u imagine that? i never have hi tea around lunch time...:)
well, it turns out to be a postgraduate meeting attended by all pg students, the director, and some of academic staffs.
it lasts for 2 hours in which the director has been squeezing an idea from all of us pg students on how to make our uni a university of people.
everyone of us has to make a contribution to the already mounting ideas.
of course for me, always on a practical side, i suggested that they should open up the university more to the public and socities. thats the general idea of uni of people isnt it?...
i also suggested a weekly seminar on public awareness topic, charity dinner to raise fundings, an annually triathlon (being as sporty as i am, hehehehehe), open the beach for public during weekends, more museums from other school in the uni. and bla, bla, bla....
everything's fine. all of those good obedient pg students has done their best to give a brilliant and intelligent idea, always trying to be on top of others. a healthy competition i reckon?....
well, what else?
but the situations turn out murky and tense when the director asked all those highly respected lecturers, what their opinion related to the matters on table.
and then, there's this young and rather charming lady lecturer, being the sharp tongue amongst all.....
speaking out of the blue n out of topics.
saying that we, the pg students as ungrateful, complaining and never ever thankful students.
dare us all to do all of the things that we have said, said we never contributed to all the chores at the institute, saying that all of us missing in action.
are we on war? why is she using that MIA phrases, she hasnt even lift a single pistol in her life, hasnt even march a single step under the baking sun. does she know the impact of that word?
it means that somebody who sacrifices his/ her life in the name of honour and for the love of his/her country. do we tarnished the honour and the good name of our country? or at a smaller scale, the institute?
she didnt deserve to use that phrase to signify our being invisible at the institute. she doesnt deserve that at all.
how can she? waaaaa......
being the sensitive and one of the pg students, it really strike me at the centre of my heart (not that she use the MIA phrase, its all the words she says that trigger and counts in this outpour of mine).
she said so many things that i cant repeat or else i go mad again....
i rather forget it. its just that i post this blog to remember this day.
how a person u considered as friend turn nasty and strike u from the back.
if she is not satisfied, why cant she tells us up front if she thinks she's right?
we are not that dumb to understand, otherwise we wont be here at the institute.
i'm not saying this for myself, but i believe that every pg students feels what i feels.
coz we share the same problems, we share the same opinions being regarded as the lowest in the institute hierarchi, compared to her. the oh so intelligent lecturer title that she bear with a high chin and proud shoulder.

new year, new resolution, new self/ old self?

i'm back again after dwelling for almost 2 weeks in the forest with rats and squirrels.
hopefully i'm not too late to wish all my friends both known and anonymous a very happy belated new year? anyway, we are still in the first week of new year. so i guess it should be okay.

so, its new year.
everybody must have their new year resolution...
resolve to be a better person than ever, to be more productive, to be everything that they havent been before.
more ambitious, more hectic, more rushing.....
everything has to have more words in the beginning.
nobody wants the lesser part.

i don't have any particular resolution in mind.
all that i want is to remain happy in almost everything i do and to get rid of this mournful look on my face, its seems to be there permanently when i'm alone.
~no mask~
i'm still thinking of the best way to solve that.
and in order for me to do so, what should i do?
i'll be on a roller coaster untill end of year.
hopefully i come around fine after the ride.

this year too, i'll turn 26 in July.
i can't help myself thinking about what have i done and what have i achieved so far...
not that i'm ungrateful,
but to be true to myself, i don't accomplished much.
it'll be well over a quarter of a century. oh my.........
will i ever do something significant in my life?
i'm thinking about this matter deeply and exhaustively.

life has its own course, we are programmed to follow and walk the path.
so far, i have not done things that i desired.
all i did is trying to satisfy needs around me. whether it comes from people, circumstances, things.... ~recipes from life program book~
is this how life should be?
nobody will know what happens in the future.
i'm hoping against hope that i'd be good and no more remorse and regrets at the end of life's journey.
the final path of human lives, the real destinations.
i ask no more.

writing this, i'm in the middle of those circling and suffocating dark moods that always accompany me whenever i'm alone.
so it doesnt matter if no one understand.
nothing matters anymore.

klias forest reserve.

starting tomorrow i'll be in klias again.
and all of my sufferings will start again.........
i'll be gone for 2 weeks.
be back soon.
adios......

merry christmas and a very happy new year to all of you.

king kong!!!

last night, me, Hitomi and Dan went to the cinema to watch king kong.
i was so enthusiastic, last i remember watching king kong movie is when i was small...
i remember bits and pieces of the story, all that i can muster is that the king kong is a beastly animal and evil.
now i will watch it in an adult perspective.
i never expect my overflowing emotion that night.
i never knew that king kong story was so sad and tearful.
i cried in the cinema even when my friends laugh because of the sound system that makes the movie comical.
i cannot accept that the king kong is brutally killed by the army when all that he wants is just to have the woman and to hold her.
i was very upset i can't sleep.
people go to the cinema to enjoy the movie and to be happy, but then i went to the cinema to cry and mourn over a dead fictional king kong.
its so ironic that i have to pay to make myself upset.....

i'm happy.

its been 3 days since he left to switzerland.
yet i feel like ages.
but now, i'm content to know that we are not having a one night stand relationship.
i'm so happy... so very very happy.
distance doesnt matter anymore.

as long as the hearts grows fonder each days,
as long as warm embraces linger in cold days,
as long as memories flashing in sprays.....
i'm happy.

song and boyfriend.

i'm here sitting at the office, sad and lonely.
listening to a korean love song now. its so touching especially for people in love.
am i in love? i'm asking myself over and over again.
why is it the change of heart is just like a flip of thin piece of paper???
i intend to be friends and no more. but heart refuse to understand.
well, well, well... poor me to have such a heart.

past few days, were the happiest days i have ever had for such a long time.
i didnt know that i've been in a cocoon of dark and gloomy feelings before that.
i can't describe my feelings.
but the truth is that i never regret what i've done. and if i could ever turn back the time, i'll rewind last week over and over again.
such a blissful week i had, how i wish it will last forever........

maybe u will wonder what happen last week.
well, last week i was still in danum, very much enjoying myself climbing tree.
but that is only part of it.
the thing is, i met a wonderful guy last week.
its not actually my first time seeing him. we met several time during my short visit to danum.
but we never really knew each other properly.
he's so attentive and very romantic. we spend a very short, very sweet time together.
watching dvd's, eating his cooking, climb tree, shoppings, and so much more.
i'm missing him so bad...........

people will wonder, what happen to me.....
typical woman, easily fell in love, easily heartbroken, easily cried etc....
but we should accept the reality of life.
one of the primal requirement of people needs is to love and to be loved.
i'm just fullfilling my part.
besides, the hell with what other will say.
i'm happy, he's happy and that counts most.
i love him.

after a week....

last week was so erratic.
we learn many new things on the canopy access and few time to get practice.
and then came the saturday -d assessment day-
i'm a good climber, and i know it.
but something has gone wrong on that day.
i f***ed up the rescue manouver that i've done many times.
fortunately, we have a great instructor. he decided to give me a second chance.
and i did it perfectly... :)
that night we had a party coz two of our friends will be going back on the next day to their respected country.
i sang all night long with the guys.
it has been a perfect night.

as of today.
i'm feeling so miserable, dejected and angry to the point of madness.
i get to know that the reason my xbf left me because he has a new gf.
did i told u guys that he is working here in danum?
the new girl is a sarawakian, who did her practical here in danum.
and to makes things worse, she's got to work also in the same place where he's working since last month.
does my stories makes sense?
all this time i keep wondering to myself why he left me.
nobody who i called friend that knows why care to tell me.....
i think they just want me to figure it out myself.
i've been so faithful to him.
not that i'm the greatest girlfriend though.
besides i'm so faraway, i got a nasty temper to cope with, and many other bad qualities in me.
but it doesnt mean that he can left me without any explanation or whatsoever.....
he's been very unfair.... :(
nevertheless, i'm a strong girl and this kind of things does not waver me a bit.
although i did loved him so much once......
love will never makes me cry.

first day in danum

exhausted........
everything is just like before.
i love it here, always love it....
what more can say????

rumah terbuka kak azimah....

me n my friends just got back from kak azimah's house at The Peak.
a condominium lot that before tonight was only a sight to behold from a distance.......
urgghhh..... sleepy.
till next time.

aku student yang pokaaai memanjang

hmmmm..........
mcmn mo mula luahan rasa ni ah?
kadang teda duit pun boleh sbbkan orang sempit fikiran.
mcm skrg ni, i dont have any brilliant idea on how to start typing.
ikut sedap jari jak....
aku mula pokai sejak masa last sem time undergraduate bila pinjaman ptptn sdh abis kontrak.
that was end of 2003.
from that on, i start living a life that is rich with maggi.......
money come and gone. always not sufficient, especially for a girl student like me.
always wanting something that is unapprochable. unbuyable (is this a true vocabs?).
true to the ends, God will not burden anybody that is not beyond their capacity of shouldering.
after graduating in sept, i went on to continue my study, also without guaranteed money or scholarship to pay study fees and everything...
yet, money come and gone.......
sometimes come from predictable sources, sometimes the otherwise (its not that i'm saying money fall from the sky into my lap :p).
but the truth is,
lacking money will makes us stronger, makes us more resilient to the harsh environment and constant nagging of shopping lusts.
we'll learn how to make do with what we have, learn how to thank God with what we eat and appreciate little things that is in our possession.
as i'm writing this, i'm thinking of money matters, how to get and earn it without jeopardizing pride, and how to always intact to reality.
no more angan2 mat jenin.
:)

hospital Q E

early today me n a friend went to QE for a late check up. its about a scar that not heals perfectly. there, i saw sickly peoples all around me, people with metals attached to parts of their bodies, people that is on the wheelchair, and many others.
i feel so lucky that i'm healthy and alive, that even my small scar doesnt bother me that much anymore, comparing to what other people suffers.
thank God Almighty for His mercy and generosity, may we live a life that is under His shelter of love.

ambiguous

the extraordinary lies within reach.

ambiguity...

whats news in this world?

war is always the main concern of big peoples nowadays.
prediction: within 50yrs to come war of the worlds will explode,
armageddon is inevitable.
for the love of God,
for the love of earth and the universe,
for the love of the future generation,
we can make differences........
start loving and preserve the nature in its purest form